…A gentle PSA, if you will.

Recently, life has become a lot – although, when isn’t it? But when I mean a lot, I mean, I feel myself returning to a place mentally and emotionally that I don’t like to visit. It has me feeling the need to slow down and step away, and give my time back to myself – and my girls. Because at the end of day, that’s what matters most. So consider this my up-front explanation that if I’m slow to text back – or don’t text back, if I say no more than I say yes, if I’m picky about the social situations I’m ok putting myself in, if I’m more brutally-honest Meghan then paste-a-fake-smile-on-my-face Meghan…its not about you, its me – truly it is. But, if you’re sitting there taking my words personally, sit and think on it for a while.

Lately, I’ve been more exhausted than normal. And if you know me, you know how much I love my sleep. I used to joke about it, never really understood it, until I saw a meme somewhere on Facebook that explained why people who struggle with anxiety/depression/mood disorders often are so tired all the time – because (pardon my french) it is FUCKING EXHAUSTING trying to cope with those things while at the same time, living in a world that sweeps mental health under the rug and treats it like a dirty word – as if mental health is just something we can turn off and on, and we’re simply just choosing to be miserable, which in turn makes us think that something is wrong with us. Like damnit, I have this amazing life – truly, I have everything I ever wanted when I was growing up: two amazing girls, a husband and a cozy home to share with them – what is soooooo wrong with me that I can have all those things and be in one of the most miserable places I’ve been in, in my entire life. Snap out of it, Meghan. See, exhausting. The mental self-talk alone is a total mind-fuck. And to truly be one of the first in your family to try and deal with those things in a healthy manner (therapy), to try and foster healthy coping mechanisms (reading/writing) while others have let anger and alcohol, etc take over, is hard…it can feel lonely. I’m thankful for my beautiful girls, my well-stocked bookshelf, and my own book that is still begging to be finished. I’m thankful for a great therapist and “happy pills,” but I am struggling.

To be blunt, I try not to keep my struggles with mental health private, because that’s part of the problem in our society. We struggle, we don’t see people like us struggling, we hide our struggles, we struggle. Fun cycle, right? So I talk about it. And if that helps one person think about therapy or breaking a cycle or focusing on their own mental health, it is worth it to me. It took me until I was in my 30’s to figure out how to start working on my own mental health in terms of wanting to thrive and not just survive. But because of that honesty, I feel like it allows the people around me to take the easy way out. If I’m angry/stressed/the mean mom/the shitty wife/negative, then I’m the one that needs to figure it out because I’m the one with the issue. I’m the one who needs therapy. I’m the one who needs my meds. I’m the one who needs to fix my behavior. Nobody wants to lift that veil and understand that external stressors and triggers exist – and they are VERY real. And when people take the easy way out and put your mental health squarely on your shoulders, it isn’t fair, and it certainly isn’t easy.

My whole life, I’ve had to put up with glass-half-empty narratives, emotional starvation, shitty things that have been said and done, false narratives, doubt, very few apologies, and the words “just ignore it” should be tattooed on my forehead for all to read – like a green light to heap it on. I’ve been called crazy, bipolar (from people without a Dr. in their title, imagine that – I’m not), been told that “I’m just on my period” (yay being a woman and struggling with mental health) and that my version of reality exists in the twilight zone, been gaslighted the hell out of, and I could go on and on. I’ve been called an “evil cunt” and been told to “do kids and favor and never have them” – by family, while my own family stood by and let it all be said, while telling me to ignore it. Sticks and stones, right? Except words hurt – they break. And they’ve broken me – many times. Maybe I’m too emotional and let too much get to me, but there are myriad reasons for that. All of that has led to adult me – led me to look for love in all the wrong places, led me to question every dream I’ve had and every decision I’ve made until I don’t know what way is up, led me to be terrified that who I am is a mom will destroy my own kids lives, led me to have zero confidence in myself, led me to try and hide myself. And its led to an angry adult me who refuses to let it go or ignore or accept the lack of apology and move on, because that will never stop the cycle. It has led to adult me who has had to make tough decisions to cut people out of my life when needed.

All of this backstory to say that, lately, besides the exhaustion, I’m angry more than I’m calm, I’m stressed and anxious, I’m dreaming about people I don’t want to dream about, I’ve had a headache for days, I feel empty, jittery, I had a scary allergic reaction that has never happened to me before in my life, I feel like I can’t quiet my mind and take a step back – constantly checking my phone for work notifications and social media updates, not being able to relax – even when I’m relaxing. And I’m stuck in a place where I feel like its all my fault. Except it isn’t. In the last few years, I’ve moved to a completely new state, carried two babies, gone through a pregnancy – during Covid – tried to gracefully navigate a pandemic that is quickly reaching bullshit level, dealt with a husband out of work for a full year….like wow, when I type it all out, you’d think I could cut myself a break – but I can’t.

It’s too much, and its enough. Therapy helps, reading helps, writing helps, medication helps, but all of that helps a lot less when the people and places around you don’t help. All of that came to a head and led me to a place where I truly believed that there was only ONE person in my life that I could text who I knew wouldn’t judge and would 100% support me – you know who you are, and I love you. And truly, truly that is the way I feel, that I have maybeeeeeeee one hand worth of fingers that I can count on as far as people that I know are legitimately in my corner – and only one or two of those people that I could truly trust. That’s a lonely place to be.

And so yeah, the words, “I hate who I am” came out in therapy this week. I hate that I struggle with things that others don’t, and I probably always will. I hate that I have to try SO hard to be at peace in my life, when so many things seem to be fighting against me. So all this to say, I’m taking a step back, from people, from places, from situations, from social media, from sharing my life (this post, yeah I see the irony), from feeling like I need to be on the move and doing something every second of every day, because sitting in silence is too heavy. Relaxing needs to just mean that. Being with my family needs to mean snuggles with my kids without checking my phone. Life needs to be more reading and writing and less freaking out over the dirty dishes and dog hair all over the floor. In the words of my favorite country artist “I’ll settle for a slow down.”

This is me, slowing down.

Surpriseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…..we’re having another baby!

Ok, so we made our “official” announcement to the social media world via Facebook and Instagram a couple weeks ago, and obviously it is a real thing that is happening. But is it ever really real unless you also blog about it?

Truth be told I’ve been having a REALLY hard time engaging with this pregnancy. Emotionally, everything about it is so different from my first go-around. And physically, everything is the same. So, that doesn’t lead to a very good combo for me. I’ve been trying to do what I can to feel more connected this last week or so, and things are getting slightly better.

The first time around, we had the excitement of finally being ready to start our family and having a baby was like a foray into the unknown. I was excited to be pregnant and anxious to know what it would be like to bring our future baby home. We found out we were pregnant in Chicago and brought back tons of baby Blackhawks goodies with us. We found out very early on that we were having a girl and she quickly had a name and a nursery design and cute clothes. There were tons of doctors appointments that Logan got to go to and ultrasounds where we got to see the baby and hear her heartbeat. There was a fun baby shower to plan and the thrill that we’d be moving to Chicago just a few months after Everly was born. Don’t get me wrong, being pregnant sucked and I hated every minute of it. But, at the end of the day we got to bring home the most awesome baby girl who ended up being super chill and the best sleeper ever. And we had tons of help from my parents (especially my mom) in those first few months where I got to go back to a job that I loved. Lotssssssss to have been happy about.

This time around, to be honest, there wasn’t much to be excited about. I’d been around the pregnancy scene once and knew I had hated it. I was not looking forward to being potentially sick again for months on end, only to then feel fat and miserable once the “morning sickness” went away. Wasn’t looking forward to the endless doctors appointments and stream of questions from family/friends about how I’m feeling and how my body is functioning. That loss of privacy was a huge negative that first time around. Everly had been sooooooo easy in every stage of babyhood – fantastic sleeper, happy, cuddly, etc – so there was a lot of nervousness (there still is) that we would not get so lucky a second time around. Things were so hard staying at home and being isolated without much help in Chicago for really the whole first year we were here and it had a huge negative impact on our marriage and my mental health. I had told Logan that I didn’t even want to explore the idea of pregnancy till this year (so that I could enjoy an entire pregnancy-free year last year) and so with me being another year older and Everly getting more and more out of that baby stage, and us knowing that we wanted at least two kids all along, it kind of felt like it was now-or-never. Superrrrrrrrrr great attitude to have about it.

And then it happened quickly….at the WORST time (is there ever a perfect time though?). Late February we got the news, in the middle of Logan’s job search, knowing he’d be laid off at the beginning of May. Which, we weren’t too concerned about because he had a great resume, Chicago is a great sports city and he had tons of connections. And thennnnnnnnnn Covid hit and it was like the world ended. The job market sucks, we have been confined to our houses, I wonder what kind of world we’ll be bringing a new baby into….the whole kit and caboodle. Top it off with being sooooo sick once again, all day every day, which ripped away the small glimmer of hope I had that maybeeee this pregnancy would be different – enjoyable. And wondering how in the crap we’re going to manage being as far away from family as we are with not just one kid, but two. Nope.

And doctors appointments? A joke. Blame it on Covid or whatever….but it has sucked. I’ve had one “decent” appointment and ultrasound – which I had to go to alone. I had a second ten minute appointment at the office in which I went alone and got to hear the baby’s heartbeat again. But in between, it’s just been over-the-phone appointments. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I think anything bad will happen, but going weeks and weeks without being able to hear your baby’s heartbeat in an office setting in the early stages where you don’t feel the normal kicks/flutters does not inspire confidence. I haven’t been in to SEE a doctor since I was 12 weeks — I’m now almost 18 weeks — and I won’t be in to see a doctor again till I’m just over 20 weeks . That’s 8 whole weeks of having to force down the thoughts of wondering if everything is progressing ok. Logan is still not allowed at appointments. There are way less ultrasounds this time around which has made it hard to feel a connection. We weren’t asked if we wanted to find out the babies gender early, so I don’t know if its a boy or girl, I can’t plan out a name or a nursery or start buying things like last time. The baby is still just an “it.” And we still have a few weeks to go before the 20-week “gender” ultrasound, which I will also be at alone. So, I don’t really want to find out with just me being there, which will just prolong not knowing. And these appointments like this – they’ll continue for the foreseeable future. I don’t even want to think about experiencing birth in a Covid-world. It all just seems like a lack of attention, even though I know it’s designed to keep us safe and from having to go to unnecessary appointments. But it doesn’t inspire confidence.

So allllllllll of this has led me to not even really think most days that I am pregnant. That later this year we will be bringing home an actual baby – again. And it sucks. And I needed to change that mindset. I should feel excited and connected to this new life.

Soooooooooo…..I started taking my anti-anxiety/depression meds again – which has helped. I started finally feeling tiny baby flutters, which makes me feel better about things progressing ok. I started looking up fun gender-reveal ideas for when we can find out, to drum up that excitement that even though things are different, and we aren’t finding out as early this time, that in just a few short weeks we will know what we are having. I put together a list of fun things we didn’t have with Everly that might be good to have a second time around, started thinking more about boy and girl names and ideas – even though I’m convinced it is another girl and I’m not inspired by any girls names this time. I’m starting to feel a little better and I’m starting to actually look pregnant. Andddd we’re almost halfway there and have a great kid who is super excited to be a big sister.

So, I may not be an maximum excitement level, but things are feeling more real and I’m feeling more connected and I know that in less than a month, when the baby isn’t just an “it” anymore, that these feelings will increase ten-fold. I’ll get there.

And yeah, so Baby Potter Number 2 is headed our way in November. We can’t wait to be a family of four!

I don’t think anyone truly understands that Mom Life is an island, except for a fellow mom. More and more, I’ve come to believe that men truly don’t get this, and women that aren’t parents yet, have no concept of what it is like to be a mom. It is the best of times, but it can also be the worst, most loneliest and darkest of times. And that is only exacerbated when the support system for that mom just is not there…no matter how hard she fights, scream and claws for it. This is currently where I’m at right now.

Maybe my feelings are being made more vivid by several extenuating factors: being stuck at home for almost three months straight now in a Pandemic, being pregnant with baby number two, and pre-existing struggles with anxiety and depression. But, my feelings are not being helped by the people in my life that should listen to me when I’m not just asking for what I need and to be heard, but I’m screaming for it, and it either falls on deaf ears or gets dismissed.

As a result, I am at my wits end.

My whole life I have been the easy target, the person that people have shit all over, the black sheep in the family…you get the point. Not a single person, family-wise, has EVER stuck up for me. Instead, I was told, over and over, that it was my problem, that I should shut up and deal, that I should ignore. You know what that creates? It creates a person who doesn’t know what its like to feel like someone has their back, and it allows everyone else to continue on with their shitty behavior, their unnecessary comments, etc. This isn’t about expecting someone to grow a thicker skin, it’s about educating others about what is acceptable behavior and that their are consequences when their behavior is unacceptable. It does absolutely nothing to mitigate bad behavior. What this has created in me is an adult who is extremely angry with how I’ve been treated and how much has been expected of me vs how little has ever been expected of other people; it’s created an adult that has 0 patience for that behavior and a refusal to keep her mouth shut anymore; its created an adult who is not afraid to cut people out of her life right and left, because not having toxic people, even if that means having nobody, is preferable to constantly having to just “shut up and deal.” 

As a “relatively” newer mom, my experiences are my own. It’s my turn to make decisions for my child. I didn’t need the guilt trips over breast feeding, I don’t need the laughter when my child is mis-behaving and I’m the only one trying to provide any sort of discipline. I don’t need the “how’s that working out for you” comments because of the way I choose to do things. I don’t need the “it’s fine/who cares/it’s not a big deal” comments when I tell my partner I don’t agree with the way things are being handled not just by us, but by others. I don’t need to be treated like I’m the problem. But I’m at a point where all of these things are happening on a daily basis and I don’t have a single person advocating for me, as a mom, at the end of the day, that should be.

It has become soul-crushing, and has led me to start harboring some major feelings of resentment, along with the urge to run away from my life. I’m tired of fighting with no results. It’s leading to feeling exasperated with my child, my husband and my immediate family, and I’m over it.

I know this will probably ruffle feathers, make people upset, etc. If you’re one of those people…sorry but I don’t care. This is the only way I have left to advocate for myself, because nobody seems to be listening or paying attention.

So, the next time the moms in your life tell you how they’re feeling….listen.

At the end of 2018, my last blog post in December was my recap on a year that, the vast majority of, I wanted to forget (minus the birth of my daughter, of course). I had just begun to put the steps in place to make 2019 a better year, and listed out four goals to work on for 2019. I hate resolutions, hence my usage of “goals.” Below is that list and my “grades” for those goals.

1. Getting healthy: mentally and physically: B-
2. My relationship with my husband: C+
3. Everly’s happiness and well-being: A
4. Writing: B+
   

You’ll notice, I didn’t grade myself very high. But to be honest, in 2018, minus Everly, goals 1, 2 and 4 were probably down around the “F” range. So, C’s and B’s were major improvements. Admittedly though, I fell majorly short. 2019 was definitely the year for the two “S’s”…Survival and Self-Care. The only way I survived was through demanding more self-care out of myself….which really didn’t start happening till the middle-later months of the year. So, you can say I got a late start.

1)  I guess I can say I got healthier mentally. I started therapy and got better about doing the things that had always brought me joy in the past. I wrote more, branched out to make some new friends, joined a book club and started reading again. And, I took a step back from everything that had been so draining – which added its own kind of guilt. I know I could go so much further in taking care of me, mentally. Don’t even get me started on my physical health. Because that has been non-existent. Yay for toddler germs.

2) C+ seems like a major positive. But only because we spent the first few months of 2019 hovering around an F. Words of advice: don’t move halfway across the country for your husband to be traveling 80% of the time while you have no job and support system. Because that does not set a marriage up for success. I got used to being alone, doing everything on my own and not wanting to be bothered with putting effort into our relationship when he was home. Dire straits, people. So, we started therapy too. Things have definitely improved on that front. But we still have a long, long way to go. 

3) Everly summed up in a word – spitfire. She could pass for a three-year-old, is insanely smart and loving and hilarious and sassy. She gets into everything, gives the best hugs and kisses, and will talk your ear off. And she loves everyone. Just going to say it, she is for sure advanced for her age. I have lived for giving her every fun experience we possibly can and her happiness makes me happy. So many trips to see family, a killer wardrobe, an awesome trip to Disneyland, soccer classes. I feel like, despite how things were between me and Logan last year, we still made it our focus to make sure this little girl was happy and loved. Mission accomplished. 

4) Admittedly, this should be more like an “A,” because on the writing front, I made huge strides. I might have hit an “A” had I actually blogged more than once or twice. Last year, I started wanting to put more effort into my (most recent) book. Which would make sense, because I always write when things suck. I decided that I needed/wanted to at least try to get published with this one. So, I put myself out there in a big way by finding a literary agency and working with an editor. It was equal parts challenging and frustrating and necessary. Thanks to that, I’ve become re-dedicated to finishing this re-write and then attempting to get published. So there’s that. But there’s also the desire to keep up better with this blog.

How does 2020 look? I’m going to reset my own goals. Goals because they seem much more attainable and flexible then resolutions. Calling something a resolution makes it seem stiff, like something that has to be done at all costs, and if it doesn’t happen, shame. It seems easier to work towards goals and be happy with any kind of progress.

I’d like 2020 to be about a pretty important “T” word – thriving. I feel like I have the foundation in place to do so, just need to get better about dreaming it and really start doing it. So, in the same vein that I ended 2018 on, I’d like to start 2020 with a list of “goals” to work on or continue working on. And, guess what? They’re the same as last year, with a couple of additions.

1. Getting healthy: continue my progress with my mental health, and really focus on the physical aspect
2. My relationship with my husband: not just tolerating each other, but enjoying each other again
3. Everly’s happiness and well-being: continue raising the most amazing girl ever
4. Write: blog more, finish my damn book and attempt to get published.
5.  Read: 16 books this year. Minimum. I’m in a book club, so it shouldn’t be too hard to hit 12. But I’d like to throw at least a few more titles in there.
6. My happiness: here comes that thrive part. More Blackhawks games, more new friends, more experiences like hiking at Starved Rock and forays into the city. Just, more.

Watch out 2020, here I come (hopefully)

I didn’t write the above, eloquently expressed quote. But, there’s a reason it is permanently tattooed on my arm. I’ve lived that exact sentiment. A thousand lives I’ve lived by being a reader and a writer.

Let’s rewind, shall we, and get to the purpose of this post. I have a problem. And that problem revolves around talking about my writing. I want to talk about it, but for too long, it’s felt like my dirty little secret, instead of something to be proud of. So, when I do talk about it, I start off attempting to proudly say “I’ve written a book” (many books, actually). I manage to get through that, and then as soon as people start asking me what my books are about, I clam up and start stumbling over words, too embarrassed to proudly explain what I’ve actually written about. Which, always turns into, “so, it’s a romance?” And I just nod and smile, feeling lame that something I’m so proud of has been reduced down to just a romance novel. Sorry if that’s offensive, but I can’t stand that genre.

That ends today. From now on, I’m going to give it my all to be kinder to myself as a writer — prouder. Being a writer has saved me, allowed me to live so many different lives, and been there for me when nothing else has. So, to start that process, I need to talk about my own “story” as a writer (and reader).

I started off reading from a very young age. And, I pretty much skipped over anything appropriate for my “age.” I read anything and everything I could get my hands on, spent spending money on books, got criticized for being a girl wanting to read Star Wars books, collected books like other girls collect purses. By middle school, I was reading stuff pretty beyond what I should have been. But, anything age-appropriate was boring and too “kiddish.” My bookshelves started overflowing and over the years, new ones have been purchased — more and more books and special memories piled onto their shelves. And, thank God for those books!

My time in Middle School was the WORST three years of my life. I hated it. I was this painfully shy kid who was not treated very nicely by the kids at school and I didn’t have family I could count really count on to provide me with the emotional support I needed to look past the bullying. I was miserable. To deal, I dedicated myself to soccer and I kept my nose buried in my books and I kept my head down and slogged through those three years like my life depended on it. Didn’t it? So, the constant remembrance of those three years, and the years that have followed, are why my bookshelves and their contents are my most prized possessions — why I’ll never take then down or baby-proof them, because…Everly. I need my books like I need air to breathe. Millions of memories and experiences and characters that have become friends are on those shelves. And, the writers of those books became my heroes: Jodi Picoult, Diana Gabaldon, Sara Donati, Cathy Lamb, Deborah Harkness…and SO many others.

Towards the end of Middle School, I started dabbling in writing. Nothing very good, that’s for sure. It wasn’t till High School that I started to find my groove. Due to the hell that Middle School was, by the time I got to Diamond Bar High School, I had become a total Wallflower, trying to make myself as little a target as possible. I held tight to my small group of friends, and focused on getting good grades and playing soccer. Things were admittedly better — smaller fish in a bigger pond, so to speak. But, I dared not make waves. I just wanted to get through with as few people noticing me as possible. Still wasn’t very fun.

By second semester of my freshman year, things began to turn around. I had registered for a Creative Writing class as an elective, and it was a godsend. In that class, I met a friend who was, and has been with me, as a kindred writing spirit all along the way. It’s hard to fathom that that class was literally almost twenty years ago. That this friend and I have been relying on writing to fuel our friendship for just as long. She knows who she is and that I’m eternally grateful to her. For the longest time, once I started writing, she was the only one I trust to read anything that came out of my creatively jumbled brain. She’s still one of the only people I trust. Anyway. Freshman year, in that class, I started writing a book that would be a part of my high school journey for the next 3.5 years. I finished it just before I started my freshman year of college. I don’t know that I have the words to accurately reflect how much I leaned on that book to get me through those rough, late-teenage years.

Soon after starting college at Cal-State Fullerton, pretty damn miserable because I had hoped to be in Chicago by then, the urge to write hit again. New characters forced their way into my head, and I had to bring them to life. Halfway through those college years, I changed my concentration and became an American Studies Major. I loved every second of it. I met amazing people, got to learn from awesome professors, and most importantly, my assignments and “tests” were based on reading books – and not just the normal textbooks – and writing papers on fascinating (mostly) topics. I found my niche. I finished that book shortly after finishing my four undergrad years at Fullerton. Again, writing had gotten me through an experience I otherwise would have been miserable in.

Over the next few years, I slogged through crappy jobs (because what was I really going to do with a background in American Studies/Liberal Arts), shitty guys, failed attempts to move to Chicago. Not a good time. I finally made the decision to pull on my big-girl pants, make one last attempt to make Chicago my home, and apply to grad school. Northwestern and two pretty amazing years in my favorite city on earth transpired. Confidence grew, dreams came true. That experience was all I ever could have asked for. Once I finished the program, I was kind of lost at sea and ended up moving back to California, piecing together jobs to try and keep my career in sports going. Spring of 2013 found me working for a ticketing company, and starting to lose direction. Again, the urge to write struck me again, more characters that needed to be heard, began to crowd themselves into my head. So, I wrote. And then I left that job a few months later, and the few chapters I had written were lost forever on my work computer that I had to turn back in.

For a while, life got in the way….real-world jobs and moves and getting married and all that comes with it. There wasn’t much time for writing. Around the middle of 2017, I started to think about that book again…I had never quite been able to forget those characters. I hadn’t written too much of it previously that it was a total loss, but I wasn’t sure if I had enough for a full book. So, I wrote the last chapter first, created an outline, realized I had what I needed, and then started back from memory on the first few chapters. By the time I was done, I had a book that I was insanely proud of and characters I had absolutely fallen in love with. And thanks to a few special teachers over the years, and a few even more special friends that had spent their own time reading that book, I started to believe that what I’d written was actually pretty good.

So, that begs the question, if it’s not a “romance,” what do I actually write about?

For starters, each book is dedicated to a kick-ass, beautiful, insanely strong woman who has faced much harder obstacles in her life than I have (thankfully). Most of the time, that woman is a red-head (I know, I can’t resist). That strong female character always has a complicated relationship with what little family she has, and she relies on the strength of her friendships with some pretty special supporting characters for support. Sprinkle in themes of motherhood, struggle, loss, over-coming obstacles and finding happiness, and most of all love. Top off with a genuinely good guy, who said main character has an epic love story with. Include just enough sports background and knowledge so that said love interest is believable as a professional athlete. Let all characters and storylines marinate in Chicago, and allow the city to be its own character. And then, once fully cooked, hope that all characters find their own definition of a happy ending.

So, is there romance? Sure. There’s plenty of “love” in my books. But, at the end of the day, each book is about a woman who has to overcome her past in order to find the happiness and love that she’s always deserved.

To be honest, there’s a part of me in every book I write. I started writing about what I continue to write about, those centralized themes, in order to live vicariously through my characters. I’ve been able to “fiction-live” the things I always dreamed about but didn’t think I’d ever experience or see come to fruition. The women I wrote about got to experience the things I wanted most out of life, and through them, I’ve been able to be a strong, confident woman, find happiness in Chicago, be successful and experience motherhood and the love of a great man. Fake it till you make it, right? Many of those things have since happened to me in real life, but that hasn’t made the characters I’ve created in my fictional worlds any less important.

In effect, my writing has always been deeply personal, and I’ve always felt that trying to get published and potentially sharing it with the world would be like putting my “diary” out there for everyone to read. It’s something I’ve always wanted, and being a published author is towards the top of my Bucket List, but the sheer idea of it still scares the crap out of me. It’s a big reason why I’ve struggled to talk about my writing, and it’s an even bigger reason why I’ve never seriously began the process of even attempting to get published.

At the end of the day, hopefully that changes with the completion of this last book. Hopefully I find it easier to start talking about my writing, easier to be proud of it. So yeah, don’t call it a romance novel – and I won’t either!

It’s been almost 3 months since I last posted – which should be proof alone of how busy I’ve been. Too busy for much writing these days. And the days where I wasn’t busy, I probably just wasn’t feeling it.

Anyway, figured I’d stop by to close out the year with a post – basically just summing up my first year as a Mommy, what’s been going on, and the hopes I have for the New Year.

First thing’s first, here’s an adorable picture of my 9-month-old

Everly has been growing like a freaking weed. She couldn’t be more perfect and happy and adjusted. She’s still doing great sleeping through the night, still loving (most) foods she tries. She’s crawling all over, pulling herself up on everything and soooo close to standing on her own. Her ped thinks she’ll be an early walker – and she’s probably right. She loves everyone, and bathtime and moving/playing nonstop. She gives the best cuddly hugs and has started patting backs (probably in response to how we pat her back), she’s learning how to clap and wave bye. Her first word was “Mama” and she says some variant of Mom, Mama, Mamamamama all the time. She’ll say Dada, just not as often. Those are really her only words we can “make out clearly,” but we think she’s also trying to imitate us when we say “ball,” “hi,” and “bye.” Andddddd she just finally cut her first tooth. Basically, she is the best. Oh, and she started daycare almost two months ago…..which means —

— I went back to work. Thank. God. To say I’ve been struggling mentally/emotionally would be a vast understatement. And, it’s something I’ve mentioned in past posts. I was not digging the SAHM Life – at all. I missed everything about working and contributing financially and having a life outside of the home. The plan had always been for me to go back to work at some point, the goal was after the New Year — especially since we had so much travel planned that it would have been impossible to start anything, at the very least, until after the end of October. Well, things were so bad and I just needed to be working again, so I interviewed for a job at a friend’s company and was able to start work the first week of November. It’s not the Sports Industry anymore (and there are benefits to that: more money and normal hours), and it definitely isn’t my Ducks Family that I miss so much. But, it’s a great job/place, and I’m so much happier to be working again. I know I still have a long way to go, but emotionally and mentally I feel better already.

So yeah, me going back to work meant Everly needed to start daycare. We found a place right by our house that we like. She loves it and enjoys playing all day and being around other kids her age. The only thing we don’t love is the germs. Everly’s basically been not 100% since she started. She’s had a never-ending runny nose, a cough that won’t go away (that we’ve tried everything for, and apparently will just have to deal with it), an ear infection and pink eye. It’s been fun. And her germs have rubbed off on me, so I’ve basically been sick since she started daycare as well. Yay! I am looking forward to the end of winter (a long way off, unfortunately) and cold season, and Everly hopefully building up her immunity to all this crap.

Me going back to work also hasn’t necessarily made things easier. Everything is harder. It has put us in (a very little) bit better of a place financially. It has made my sanity return bit by bit. But, it has made life exhausting. Previously, I’d been busting my ass taking care of Everly and the house, and now I’ve added a 40-Hour Work Week into that. Nothing else has really decreased to adjust. Every day consists of getting Everly ready for daycare and myself to work, working, picking up the baby and bedtime and then getting her stuff ready for another day. Logan works from home a few days of the week, so those days he does pick ups and drop offs, but there’s really no day where some – or all – of what needs to get done doesn’t fall on my shoulders. It’s hard and exhausting and stressful, but I get the chance to miss my baby and be an adult again – both things that have done wonders for my relationship with Everly. It hasn’t really done wonders for my relationship with my husband, but that’s a whole other story — and hopefully one that we can work on in the New Year. It also probably hasn’t done wonders for my physical health. Most days I feel like I’ve been run ragged and it’s hard to get healthy when you can’t rest.

Anyway, taking all the above into consideration, here’s a list of things I want to “work on” in the New Year. I just refuse to call them resolutions.

1. Getting healthy: mentally and physically. I’m tired of feeling like poop.
2. My relationship with my husband: better communication, more (haha or just any) date nights, and a better balance of duties at home.
3. Everly: continuing to keep her on track and spending as much time with her as I can.
4. Writing: keeping up with blogging on a more regular basis. And, finishing the edits on my current book. My goal is to attempt publication with this one.

I hope all the rest of you are closing your years out strong, or on positive notes. Most of my past year has been hard and full of change, so I’m looking to 2019 for more positivity and stability.

I didn’t get around to blogging last week because we were all in Iowa for a Hawkeyes Football game at Kinnick, and to cheer on my husband’s sister in her volleyball game. We were there for an extended weekend, so there wasn’t really time. Anyway!

This week, it is all about that baby-food-making life (phew, that was a mouthful).

Maybe it is because breastfeeding didn’t work out super great (or at all) for Everly and I, so I couldn’t really provide for her in that sense, that I really wanted to get into this. Or, maybe because formula is expensive and store-bought baby food is expensive and we are squeaking by on one income right now. But, I am all about this life right now.

I’ve been pinning fun recipes on Pinterest since before Everly was born, and we registered for the Baby Bullet (should have added it to the top-ten list) and some baby food cookbooks, so I was raring to go by her 6-month appointment when her pediatrician gave us the go ahead to start her on more purees than just her cereal and oatmeal (I’m sure there are parents that would have started their kid on purees earlier than 6 months, since you can, but we’ve taken our ped’s lead).

I started this past Friday. I went through our most “fun” looking cookbook and ear-marked several foods I wanted to try. I want to expose Everly to as much as possible (obviously one food at a time to start, to watch for allergies). I’ve been around kids who only want to eat chicken nuggets and mac n’ cheese and….that is not going to be my kid. I understand kids have a mind of their own and maybe that’s all she’ll want to eat….but I’m going to try my hardest to get Everly eating a wide palette of flavors.

I ended up buying the following: apples, pears and sweet potato (we had already started her on those in Iowa, bought from the store to make travel easy), red lentils, sweet peas, strawberries, bananas and zucchini. I made the pears quickly Friday night since they seemed overly ripe, and it was so much fun! It was easy to chop up and steam everything, and the baby bullet was awesome (though I could see where a regular blender would be better for bigger batches) and worked perfectly. I invested (cheaply) in some higher-quality ice cube trays so it worked out perfectly to just make cubes of one-ounce servings – especially since she’s only getting 1-2 ounces at a time right now. Then, I went to town on Saturday and finished up on Sunday.

Everything looked and tasted yummy (yes, I was a taste-tester), except the Red Lentils. Personally, I liked them….but I could see a baby hating them. So, we’ll see. I ended up getting at least 16, one-ounce servings of everything I made. Except the pears, I got over double that. And, so far, Everly is loving (or at least tolerating) everything she’s tried. She especially is enjoying the Oatmeal and Bananas.

At the end of the day, I’m sure there are parents of multiples out there laughing with the “just wait till the second kid and it’ll be store-bought all the way adage,” which is fine. I could see that, especially considering the convenience factor. But for real, for now, one solid day of work for over a month’s supply of food that I was able to make for less than half the price of what it would have cost me to buy it all, knowing that I’m the one providing it for my little girl and the ingredients are literally all natural? I’ll take it.

I think next up we’ll be adding some black beans, squash and spinach to the freezer stock. Can’t wait!!

When Logan and I were planning our baby shower and starting to put together our registry, we asked for a lot of advice; what products parents loved, what products were pointless, must-haves, skips and just general advice. It seriously was one of the best things we could have done, because, I feel like when we went in to register, we were as prepared as we could have been. You’ll get a list of so many baby products to register for, and while it is a great guide, it can be intimidating. So, it really helped us to have an idea in our heads of what we wanted and what we knew worked.

With that in mind, I have listed my ten favorite products that we purchased, or have been gifted, since our baby shower (the below list is not in order of importance). Some of the items are more “big-ticket” and others were $5 purchases, but each one has helped us or saved our sanity is big ways. So, here goes:

1.  Diaper Genie: Please do yourself a favor and pick one of these up. Best decision ever. Poop smells. Bad. But, with thing, I have never once walked into Everly’s nursery and cringed at the smell of pee/poo. How it keeps that nastiness contained is beyond me, but it does its job. It fits great in a corner, comes in a couple different colors, and is inconspicuous enough so that it won’t mess with the “cuteness” of your nursery. But, even if it did, it would still be a must-have.
2. Diaper Bag: Maybe this one is obvious, and maybe I should have been more specific. Go for a good diaper bag, not just a cute one. Register for a couple. Register for one for your husband, because while you’ll want one that is cute enough to double as a purse for the rest of your life (kidding), he’ll want a boring, manly one. I would also suggest playing around with styles and sizes before you purchase. I can’t tell you how many I bought and then took back because they were either two small to really carry all that’s needed, or not organized enough. I have two; one is a simple backpack style by SkipHop. I’ve come to prefer it for easy, everyday use. The only knock against it for me is that it’s hard to keep it super organized because there’s only really one main compartment. But, it’s lightweight and easy to use. I also have a much larger SkipHop bag (by the way, I love this brand – not as expensive as some of the others, but still really cute stuff) that has a ton of compartments. It’s on the bigger side for everyday use, but it is great for plane rides and extended trips/travel, because you can really pack everything you need for longer periods and keep it all really organized.
3. SwaddleMe Swaddles: We registered for these and the Muslin swaddles, but this was the brand that really worked for us. Our muslin ones we only ended up using as burp clothes and blankets. Everly was so squirmy she’d get out of the muslin ones super easily (or maybe it was user error). Once we started using this brand, Everly slept like a champ. They are basically a pre-formed sack with velcro tabs so they’re easy to figure out and they stay snug. Plus, there are a ton of super cute prints. And, if your child is a giant like ours was, and gets too long for them before they start rolling over and can’t use them anymore, they have larger sizes. I truly think these swaddles saved our sanity and allowed us to all get good sleep from the very beginning. I’ve gifted them at every baby shower I’ve gone to since Everly was born.
4. Bouncy Seat w/ vibration: Having one of these saved me. We lived with my parents when we brought Everly home from the hospital, so everything was crammed into one room. We had a Pack-N-Play set up for Everly to sleep in, and her first few nights home, she hated it. Thankfully the one we bought came with a bouncy seat that had a vibrate function built in. She slept in it the first few nights, napped in it all the time, and it was the one thing that could really soothe her when she was upset. It should be lightweight enough where you can move it from room to room with ease. We still use ours in a pinch if we need to set Everly down in something for a few minutes, or while I sneak in a shower.
5. White Noise Machine. Having one of these has been money for us. On one hand, the white noise is obviously soothing and has helped Everly sleep, but it also has helped her learn to sleep with noises in the background so that she gets used to that and doesn’t need complete silence to sleep. We went with Wyatt the Whale, which we got from Target. Not only is he adorable, but he allows your baby to fall asleep to piano lullabies, nature sounds or nursery rhymes, which you can set to a timer or just let go indefinitely. He also has a nightlight that casts different colored stars on the ceiling. Plus, it is small enough that you can take it with you wherever you go. We use ours every night and at nap time.
6. Formula Dispenser: Who would have thought that a $5 product would become one of my favorite purchases? My best friend suggested this to me when we were preparing for Everly’s first flight. We knew we’d be traveling a lot, and since I wasn’t breastfeeding, we needed something that could hold her formula without actually having to bring the whole container. We bought one made by Munchkin. It comes with a dispenser that holds three, separate (up to) 8 oz servings, and includes a bonus container that holds one 8 oz serving. I take this with me everywhere. The main container is perfect for flights (especially to/from California) because it holds enough servings to get us through the airport and travel time. And, the single-serving container is perfect to just fill up and bring on shopping trips in case your kid ends up starving before you can get home. For me, if you’re formula feeding, this little thing is a must-have.
7. Activity Saucer: Find yourself a cute, interactive one that has a lot of bells and whistles. Ours has tons of things for Everly to grab onto, play with, chew on, etc. It has different sound functions and different languages. She can turn all the way around in the chair part. She loves hers, and ever since we set it up, it’s been a life-saver because she is content to play in it while I’m able to get things done around the house or take a quick shower. One thing I wish we’d thought of though it to register for one that your kids can bounce in too.
8. Swing: Ours came in clutch for us when Everly was more in the newborn stage. She loved swinging in it, especially when it was on vibrate, and she spent a lot of time napping in it downstairs so she could be around everyone. Again, it helped her learn to sleep with noise in the background. We used it all the time. Now that she’s a little older, she’s too long for it and doesn’t like being so confined, but it was a great product overall for us to have.
9. Mustela No-Rinse Cleansing Water: This is another one of those relatively inexpensive finds. I came across this product on Amazon one day when I was trying to find something that would help Everly’s little bit of baby acne. This is really the only Mustela product we use on a regular basis and I’m SO happy with it! I think it helped her acne, but more importantly, I love using it to wipe down Everly’s face and diaper area in between baths. It smells super fresh and clean and has worked just great on Everly’s skin. I haven’t seen this particular product at Buy Buy Baby, but it is available on Amazon.
10. Baby Wrap/Carrier: Get one of each. Seriously. Before we had Everly, I wasn’t sold on the wraps. They seemed scary to me. Like, how could they possibly support a baby? A friend sent me hers a month or so after Everly was born, and I wish I’d had one from the beginning. They’re easy to use (after watching a couple of YouTube tutorials) and work great! I’d put Everly in her wrap whenever I needed to get things done or when she was being super fussy, and she’d go right to sleep for hours. I loved having her that close to me while still being able to use my hands. The one we used was the Solly Baby. They come in a ton of cute prints. I usually use the wrap strictly around the house or yard. Or carrier is by Ergobaby, and we have a couple styles. I love our carrier because it is durable, and, again, easy to use after some tutorials. It is especially helpful when you’re out and about or on-the-go where it might be harder to use the stroller. The ones we have you can use to carry your baby on your side, back and front (both inward and outward facing). Everly loves being in her carrier and falls asleep easily in hers. Plus, she loves to chew on the straps. I would recommend researching and trying out your wraps/carriers before buying, if possible, because there are so many different brands and styles to choose from.

So, there you have it – my top ten list of baby products. Mom life is hard enough and each of the above items has made things easier for our family. If you have any favorite products or recommendations, send them my way! It takes a village and I love hearing about new ideas or great products that come in handy as baby grows!

Disclaimer: Before I even get started on this post, in an effort to not offend anyone or have anyone think that I’m trying to personally insult a life choice…I’m not. These are my experiences and feelings as a mom, and they are unique to me. I hold no judgement whatsoever to anyone who has had a different experience or feels differently about motherhood or being a Stay-At-Home Mom.

To begin with, I legitimately have the sweetest, happiest, healthiest little girl ever. Her smile is contagious, her laugh is a hoot, and the way she takes in every new experience (and she’s had a lot of new experiences in her almost 6 months of life) is a joy to watch. I wouldn’t change having her or being a mom for the world and she’s every dream I ever had come true.

The Hubby, Baby, Dog and I are now officially settled in our new city in our new state. Sort of. It’s been a whirlwind since we got here just over two months ago.

My husband’s job transferred him to their Chicago office, which entailed some pretty shitty timing and me having to leave the job that I loved behind. It was something we were planning for a few years from now, and the process ended up being sped up a lot.

We are now in Geneva, Illinois. It’s a Western Suburb of Chicago, that we had fallen in love with over the years while visiting friends here. We were somehow lucky enough to purchase a gorgeous home that is perfect for our family, in our favorite neighborhood. It’s a house our family will be able to grow into as the years pass, with great neighbors and amenities and a park for Everly right next to our house. We never would have had this opportunity had we stayed in California.

We moved at the very end of June, and its been crazy ever since. Logan drove the moving truck with his dad and our dog over the 2000+ miles it took to get to our new home, and then my mom and I flew with Everly after my last day of work. We had the misfortune of moving in during the hottest weekend of the summer, and our AC promptly stopped working. Try unpacking in a house that is 90+ degrees…with a baby and a dog that are miserably hot. So. Much. Fun. But, we got it done. My husband was a rockstar, and we are blessed with some amazing family and friends who helped us out sooooooo much during the process – from cleaning and painting and mowing the lawn pre-move to unpacking and babysitting and grocery runs post-move. We couldn’t have done it without each and every one of them.

As of now, we are totally unpacked and settled. Since I’m staying home and money is tight, we plan on doing things around the house in stages. This summer we focused on painting a bunch of rooms (we will do the basement next year) and getting everything hung up on walls and purchasing a few new pieces of furniture – hello King-sized bed! We are currently doing the basics with our yard. Fall is on the way so there isn’t much we’ll be able to do once Winter hits anyway. There’s so much we want to do, and I can’t wait to get started.

Geneva is amazing though. It’s the best of both worlds. I’ve always loved Chicago but never really wanted to live in the heart of the city. So, where we are now we can easily take the train right in and enjoy big-city life whenever we want while still being able to come  home to our cozy home in the suburbs. Everything is green and beautiful and its awesome because sometimes you really feel like you’re out in the country near farms and such, but a 5-minute drive takes you to any shop you could possible want (yes, there is a Hobby Lobby 5 minutes from us) and so much delicious food. We have great friends just minutes down the road and family just a couple hours to each side of us. And we have the cutest downtown area filled with fun shops in old houses and amazing restaurants and kind people. I couldn’t be happier with where we choose to settle down, and I can’t wait for the  years to come here.

Even though things have been so crazy with unpacking and painting and short trips to see family and weddings and money is so tight with me off work, I can’t wait for things to be settled so we can really start enjoying this beautiful place we now call home!